OK, so I have to admit that the last post was lame. I was bored and I had nothing better to do than be a little kid and scribble nonsense on the wall. I used to do that to when I was little, I crayoned all over the wall. I was proud of myself too. I was proud that I had created art that could be appreciated until the next renter put a fresh coat of paint on the walls.
That is what it is all about really. It is all about finger painting and crayoning the walls of every place you pass. Let the world not say you didn't leave something behind to be remembered by. The Pharaoh of so many years ago must have had that in mind as he looked at the plans of his great pyramids. "I will bankrupt my country, kill millions of slaves, possibly even call down the power of aliens so that I will be remembered by historians many thousands of years in the future."
Today people don't make as grand gestures as they did in the past. Partly because of the advent of individual freedom, but also partly because people have decided to live more in the moment. Why spend billions to be remembered by people far in the future? You can spend just a few dollars and get your 15 minutes of fame now. You can go out there and do something crazy, and who cares if people won't remember it in 5 seconds? And what better place to act out then on the Internet?
That is what the Internet is after all, a place for people to act out and crayon the walls of eternity. Everything gets backed up; nothing gets forgotten. While people's attention spans are very short in a few years the fads of yesterday might just come right back through the memory of cyberspace.
Imagine the Virtual Pet Rock. Imagine the Tamagachi that lives through Shabbos. Imagine all those stupid emails that you have gotten over the years all stored away to be resent to your children's children. Sounds like a fantasy, right? Well it's not, it's just the crayoning on the wall of the future yet to come. All the nonsensical things ever thought of will forever be repeated over and over and over again.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Chametz: It defines you as a Jew
Do you go to sleep sometime in the night and wake up sometime in the morning? Do you consume food and exhume waste? Do you look at some sort of time keeping device at least once a day?
If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions you have a good chance of being a human being. Congratulations. (If you answered "No" to all of those questions you must be some sort of computer virus, and I want to have nothing to do with you.)
Yes, keeping the time makes you human.
Now for the next line of questioning.
Are you Jewish?
If you answered "Yes" to this question you are probably Jewish. Though this may not actually be the case. It is quite possible you are not Jewish, but only think you are Jewish. In order to convince me of your claim you must answer one more question.
What Is Chametz?
Now I can't very well tell you the answer, suffice it to say whether you know what the answer to this question, or not, will determine if you are really Jewish.
I'll give you a hint. It has to do with going crazy over crumbs, covering counters with tape, and 18 minutes.
Disclaimer: The knowledge of what Chametz is should not be construed as an official conversion done by a proper Rabbi. Just because you may have this information from searching wikipedia does not mean you are now a member of the tribe. However, if you are a member of the tribe, this information may save your soul. (Men may also need a Bris.)
If you answered "Yes" to any of the above questions you have a good chance of being a human being. Congratulations. (If you answered "No" to all of those questions you must be some sort of computer virus, and I want to have nothing to do with you.)
Yes, keeping the time makes you human.
Now for the next line of questioning.
Are you Jewish?
If you answered "Yes" to this question you are probably Jewish. Though this may not actually be the case. It is quite possible you are not Jewish, but only think you are Jewish. In order to convince me of your claim you must answer one more question.
What Is Chametz?
Now I can't very well tell you the answer, suffice it to say whether you know what the answer to this question, or not, will determine if you are really Jewish.
I'll give you a hint. It has to do with going crazy over crumbs, covering counters with tape, and 18 minutes.
Disclaimer: The knowledge of what Chametz is should not be construed as an official conversion done by a proper Rabbi. Just because you may have this information from searching wikipedia does not mean you are now a member of the tribe. However, if you are a member of the tribe, this information may save your soul. (Men may also need a Bris.)
Monday, March 30, 2009
Cover Letter for the Yeshiva Bochur CIO
Dear HR Director,
I am writing to you today to inquire about the CIO position I saw advertised in the local classifieds. As a graduate of the top rabbinical college in Boro Park, I feel uniquely prepared to take on such a position. I have strong information processing skills, having learned ancient Talmudic texts for much of my life. I also have great management skill as is so obviously evident by my many years as a camp counselor and trip director.
As CIO I will bring this company into the next century when it comes to providing for it's informational needs. Not only will I endevor to provide the best when it comes to transmitting information, I will also make sure that any data that goes through the company is certified Kosher by the greatest KosherNetwork Rabbonim. A company should not have to sacrifice it's spiritual values for the sake of having timely information.
I have enclosed my CV demonstrating my superior academic skills. I have finished Shas 12 times, as well as written 5 different sifrai Chumras for the serious student. Also as a hobby I fixed computers for the Yeshiva, as well as installed then newest spyware on all of my friend's computers to see what they are doing when no one is looking.
I think I will make a great CIO, and I hope you will think so too. I am sure upon meeting me you will be blown away by my ability to present myself. I look forward to meeting with you at your convenience, though preferably not during Seder (which in my yeshiva runs from 7 in the morning till 10 at night), to discuss further this exciting opportunity. I can be reached by beeper at 718-123-4567. Give me a call and I will call you right back.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Child Ish Behavior
I am writing to you today to inquire about the CIO position I saw advertised in the local classifieds. As a graduate of the top rabbinical college in Boro Park, I feel uniquely prepared to take on such a position. I have strong information processing skills, having learned ancient Talmudic texts for much of my life. I also have great management skill as is so obviously evident by my many years as a camp counselor and trip director.
As CIO I will bring this company into the next century when it comes to providing for it's informational needs. Not only will I endevor to provide the best when it comes to transmitting information, I will also make sure that any data that goes through the company is certified Kosher by the greatest KosherNetwork Rabbonim. A company should not have to sacrifice it's spiritual values for the sake of having timely information.
I have enclosed my CV demonstrating my superior academic skills. I have finished Shas 12 times, as well as written 5 different sifrai Chumras for the serious student. Also as a hobby I fixed computers for the Yeshiva, as well as installed then newest spyware on all of my friend's computers to see what they are doing when no one is looking.
I think I will make a great CIO, and I hope you will think so too. I am sure upon meeting me you will be blown away by my ability to present myself. I look forward to meeting with you at your convenience, though preferably not during Seder (which in my yeshiva runs from 7 in the morning till 10 at night), to discuss further this exciting opportunity. I can be reached by beeper at 718-123-4567. Give me a call and I will call you right back.
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
Child Ish Behavior
Sunday, March 29, 2009
The Spite of Socialism
"There is no middle class anymore," Jack railed on. "All there is, is some very rich people at the top and the very poor people at the bottom.
"Ya, I know," John agreed. "If only things were more equal, you know, fair like. The world would be a better place."
Jack and John had just finished their long day at the factory where they put in a long day's work. They were now both sitting at the local bar where they were procrastinating having to come home to their families.
"It's not like the rich people need all that money," John continued as he took a long swig of beer. As he drank, some of the beer dripped from the bottom of the glass and onto the lap of his pants. John paid no attention, he just droned on, "I mean it ain't like they're spending it on things that're worth something. If they would be buyin a round perhaps I wouldn't feel so bad."
Jack shook his head up and down like a bobble head on a dashboard. "You're right, so right. They should take all that money that the rich folks have and buy us here a couple of rounds. I tell you, I wouldn't mind sittin at a desk doing nothing all day like all those rich fancy house people. As it is, I come home to a trailer, 10 kids, and a wife that doesn't appreciate my hard work. What do those uppity people got? Fancy cars and private schools that's what!"
Just as they both were about to set out to change the world with a New Communist Manifesto by Jack and John, a meteor struck the bar and killed them both. And as their spirits went up to heaven they both screamed, "It's not fair I tell ya, It's not fair."
"Ya, I know," John agreed. "If only things were more equal, you know, fair like. The world would be a better place."
Jack and John had just finished their long day at the factory where they put in a long day's work. They were now both sitting at the local bar where they were procrastinating having to come home to their families.
"It's not like the rich people need all that money," John continued as he took a long swig of beer. As he drank, some of the beer dripped from the bottom of the glass and onto the lap of his pants. John paid no attention, he just droned on, "I mean it ain't like they're spending it on things that're worth something. If they would be buyin a round perhaps I wouldn't feel so bad."
Jack shook his head up and down like a bobble head on a dashboard. "You're right, so right. They should take all that money that the rich folks have and buy us here a couple of rounds. I tell you, I wouldn't mind sittin at a desk doing nothing all day like all those rich fancy house people. As it is, I come home to a trailer, 10 kids, and a wife that doesn't appreciate my hard work. What do those uppity people got? Fancy cars and private schools that's what!"
Just as they both were about to set out to change the world with a New Communist Manifesto by Jack and John, a meteor struck the bar and killed them both. And as their spirits went up to heaven they both screamed, "It's not fair I tell ya, It's not fair."
Thursday, March 26, 2009
O' Lord, O' Christmas Tree, O' Juliet, O'Clock.
Why is it that we say "10 o'clock"? Is it some sort of prayer offering to the gods of time? Perhaps an ode to father time?
Wrong and wrong!
It clearly is a blessing to the little clock gnomes that live within each and every one of our clocks (the one in my phone is named "Shulaka", obviously with origin dating back to the famous African tribe of clock gnomes).
Their role in clocks is to make sure everything is running like clockwork (pun-intended) and on time (pun may have been intended). They move the gears to our chronographs and eat our batteries like redbulls. Without these little fellas, we would be hopelessly lost in time, not knowing yesterday from today to tomorrow. They only take two days off a year! Both in Spring and Fall when the clock is moved, gnomes have permission contractually, to doze off. Just so happens, for most people these two days of the year are the most chaotic ("What time is it? No, the new time! That's the old time! Darn, I missed shachris!"). So we can easily understand the integral role these gnomes play in our lives! Imagine daylight savings, everyday!
Why do these clock gnomes need blessing? Well clock gnomes are manic depressive, therefore needing our praises of "o'clock, o'clock" to maintain a healthy gnome ego and self-esteem. Oh yes, gnomes do have an ego that needs maintenance. Forbes (gnome edition) puts clock winding as a job with the highest suicide rate! Many of them living in clocks located in abandoned homes with nobody to say "o'clock", have jumped from the small hand on the "twelve" all the way down to the long hand on the "six".
So next time (pun not intended) you look at a clock, be sure to mutter that praise to your clock gnome.
Wrong and wrong!
It clearly is a blessing to the little clock gnomes that live within each and every one of our clocks (the one in my phone is named "Shulaka", obviously with origin dating back to the famous African tribe of clock gnomes).
Their role in clocks is to make sure everything is running like clockwork (pun-intended) and on time (pun may have been intended). They move the gears to our chronographs and eat our batteries like redbulls. Without these little fellas, we would be hopelessly lost in time, not knowing yesterday from today to tomorrow. They only take two days off a year! Both in Spring and Fall when the clock is moved, gnomes have permission contractually, to doze off. Just so happens, for most people these two days of the year are the most chaotic ("What time is it? No, the new time! That's the old time! Darn, I missed shachris!"). So we can easily understand the integral role these gnomes play in our lives! Imagine daylight savings, everyday!
Why do these clock gnomes need blessing? Well clock gnomes are manic depressive, therefore needing our praises of "o'clock, o'clock" to maintain a healthy gnome ego and self-esteem. Oh yes, gnomes do have an ego that needs maintenance. Forbes (gnome edition) puts clock winding as a job with the highest suicide rate! Many of them living in clocks located in abandoned homes with nobody to say "o'clock", have jumped from the small hand on the "twelve" all the way down to the long hand on the "six".
So next time (pun not intended) you look at a clock, be sure to mutter that praise to your clock gnome.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Assuage Your Guilt
Do you feel guilty about all the horrible things that are going on in the world? Do you think your sins are the cause of most of the world's suffering? Do you cry when you hear bad news?
If you answered "Yes" to any one of these questions, you may be eligible to participate in a new exciting program. Upon enrolling in our new program you will feel less guilty over your own good fortune. You will be happy in the knowledge that you did something to make a difference, if only a small one.
The program is call DONATE NOW. All you have to do to be a part of DONATE NOW is donate some money right now. It is that easy. Write a check payable to DONATE NOW. We will spend the money in various ways that are conducive to making you less guilty for being well off in these troubling times.
Here is a partial list of the wonderful causes that DONATE NOW supports:
If you answered "Yes" to any one of these questions, you may be eligible to participate in a new exciting program. Upon enrolling in our new program you will feel less guilty over your own good fortune. You will be happy in the knowledge that you did something to make a difference, if only a small one.
The program is call DONATE NOW. All you have to do to be a part of DONATE NOW is donate some money right now. It is that easy. Write a check payable to DONATE NOW. We will spend the money in various ways that are conducive to making you less guilty for being well off in these troubling times.
Here is a partial list of the wonderful causes that DONATE NOW supports:
- Inject a pet with AIDS Foundation
- All we do is talk, Cancer Foundation
- A world without sorrow Foundation
- Sick of the word foundation Foundation
- WHY GOD, WHY? An angry atheist foundation for the building of a better world
- Kill the Pandas
- United Feminist Kollel of America
- Foundation for the promotion of Eskimo Ice wrestling
- The Elders of Zion Charity Fund
- No girl left behind: A platform for the re-institution of polygamy in the Yiddishe Community
- All those other wonderful causes that you can think about but don't give money to because you have something much better to spend your money on Inc.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Chinese People Eat Frogs; and The story of the Big Nile Valley Frog Scare
A bucket of live frogs sat on the sidewalk next to the storefront. People were walking past as if seeing frogs for sale was the most usual thing in the world. In fact, frog legs are often used as a substitute for chicken wings in many a Chinese home. This was nothing new to the people in Chinatown.
To me though, the concept of eating a frog was something out of a tall tale, something told to children to entertain them while they pick their noses. Which is why I was fascinated to see the frogs just sitting there, for sale, and ready to be stir fried by someone braver than me, and less Jewish.
My friend and I wondered why the frogs, still alive, didn't make a break for freedom. It wasn't like all was lost, they could still make a good life for themselves down it the NYC sewer system. I suppose the same question could be asked about the chickens ready to be slaughtered by the kosher butcher; though I don't think the sewers would afford such nice living accommodations for the chickens.
I suggested that the reason they were not making a break for it is because they lost the will to live, and they probably were just fed. Who needs to run when you got everything you ever wanted, even if it does mean you get to be eaten as a side dish for a stomach ache, (maybe a little egg foo yung?)
For all of you people who are wondering, How could people eat frog? They seem slimy and disgusting after all. I would remind you of a story that I just made up on the spot for this occasion.
God was once angry with a group of people that lived in the Nile Valley. He felt that these people were working their slaves too hard. The slaves, members of the Walk in middle of Cut Cow Union, complained to the the union boss. "We are being worked too many hours. We can't see out kids, and the food tastes like moldy crackers." The union boss, God, hired a consultant to see how he could best solve this intolerable situation. The consultant recommended all sorts of solutions but the one God loved best was the one that involved a huge frog, and lots of little baby frogs.
After pouring lots of blood into the river for the blood sucking frog's special nutritional needs, God decided to send in the huge monstrosity. The residents of the Nile Valley, once seeing such big frog legs, immediately got out their carving knives in order to cook up some "just like chicken" delicacy. Unbeknown to them, the frog was not your run of the mill Chinese Dinner Frog, this frog was the Medusa frog, cut of a limb and more grow back. As they chopped limbs off the huge amphibian more and more limbs grew back, and the limbs they had cut off just turned into small little frogs. Nothing seemed to be working to prepare the humongous frog for human consumption.
A Professor at the Valley University had a suggestion that seemed to be the most sensible to everyone in the kingdom. His suggestion was to let the slaves have their vacation in the hopes that the tasty frogs would gain some sort of edibility. However, the testing needed to approve such a plan would have taken ages, not to mention the lost revenue the state had no guarantee of recouping in the frog leg soup. They therefore decided to go with the plan that seemed to be working wonderfully, beat the frog in the middle of the stadium and watch as little frogs popped out of the big frog's "mouth". While the plan did not afford a way to gain any nutritional value out of the frog, it would provide lots of entertainment value to all the bored populace who had yet to invent cable television.
After a week and a half the people eventually got bored of the same show everyday, and they demanded better programming from their king. "How long must we watch a frog getting beaten? We want something more exciting to fill our days."
The king went to the union representative that had sent the frog and said, "You know if you want your demands met, you are going to have to step up your tactics. These frogs are really not as a good negative incentive as you would have imagined."
So God decided to send lice and boils to the evil Nile Valley Corporation. The people spent their whole day picking lice off their scalp and pealing their boiled soaked skin; they forgot to be bored because of their lack of entertainment. Anyone who has picked at a skin tag will tell you, it can take hours to get it just right.
But what happened to the Giant Frog? Did it eventually end up in the stew?
Well after God was finished using the great big frog as a bane on the existence of the whole Nile Valley, he decided to transport the big frog in a great big bucket to the other side of the world. After cutting the big frog in two, he gave one piece to the French who liked it so much their neighbors took to calling them frogs, and he gave the other piece to the Chinese who turned the great big half of frog into a big frog stew.
After eating the big frog from God, and finishing all the left overs because there were people being smitten in Africa, the people of the great lands that had been gifted with the big frog hungered for more of the "Just like chicken" taste. They searched all over for that authentic magical taste to no avail, so the settled on eating plain old run of the mill frogs. To this day frog legs are a delicacy.
So you see, for any people to eat frogs takes a real Miracle of biblical proportions.
(-; so I imagine ;-)
To me though, the concept of eating a frog was something out of a tall tale, something told to children to entertain them while they pick their noses. Which is why I was fascinated to see the frogs just sitting there, for sale, and ready to be stir fried by someone braver than me, and less Jewish.
My friend and I wondered why the frogs, still alive, didn't make a break for freedom. It wasn't like all was lost, they could still make a good life for themselves down it the NYC sewer system. I suppose the same question could be asked about the chickens ready to be slaughtered by the kosher butcher; though I don't think the sewers would afford such nice living accommodations for the chickens.
I suggested that the reason they were not making a break for it is because they lost the will to live, and they probably were just fed. Who needs to run when you got everything you ever wanted, even if it does mean you get to be eaten as a side dish for a stomach ache, (maybe a little egg foo yung?)
For all of you people who are wondering, How could people eat frog? They seem slimy and disgusting after all. I would remind you of a story that I just made up on the spot for this occasion.
God was once angry with a group of people that lived in the Nile Valley. He felt that these people were working their slaves too hard. The slaves, members of the Walk in middle of Cut Cow Union, complained to the the union boss. "We are being worked too many hours. We can't see out kids, and the food tastes like moldy crackers." The union boss, God, hired a consultant to see how he could best solve this intolerable situation. The consultant recommended all sorts of solutions but the one God loved best was the one that involved a huge frog, and lots of little baby frogs.
After pouring lots of blood into the river for the blood sucking frog's special nutritional needs, God decided to send in the huge monstrosity. The residents of the Nile Valley, once seeing such big frog legs, immediately got out their carving knives in order to cook up some "just like chicken" delicacy. Unbeknown to them, the frog was not your run of the mill Chinese Dinner Frog, this frog was the Medusa frog, cut of a limb and more grow back. As they chopped limbs off the huge amphibian more and more limbs grew back, and the limbs they had cut off just turned into small little frogs. Nothing seemed to be working to prepare the humongous frog for human consumption.
A Professor at the Valley University had a suggestion that seemed to be the most sensible to everyone in the kingdom. His suggestion was to let the slaves have their vacation in the hopes that the tasty frogs would gain some sort of edibility. However, the testing needed to approve such a plan would have taken ages, not to mention the lost revenue the state had no guarantee of recouping in the frog leg soup. They therefore decided to go with the plan that seemed to be working wonderfully, beat the frog in the middle of the stadium and watch as little frogs popped out of the big frog's "mouth". While the plan did not afford a way to gain any nutritional value out of the frog, it would provide lots of entertainment value to all the bored populace who had yet to invent cable television.
After a week and a half the people eventually got bored of the same show everyday, and they demanded better programming from their king. "How long must we watch a frog getting beaten? We want something more exciting to fill our days."
The king went to the union representative that had sent the frog and said, "You know if you want your demands met, you are going to have to step up your tactics. These frogs are really not as a good negative incentive as you would have imagined."
So God decided to send lice and boils to the evil Nile Valley Corporation. The people spent their whole day picking lice off their scalp and pealing their boiled soaked skin; they forgot to be bored because of their lack of entertainment. Anyone who has picked at a skin tag will tell you, it can take hours to get it just right.
But what happened to the Giant Frog? Did it eventually end up in the stew?
Well after God was finished using the great big frog as a bane on the existence of the whole Nile Valley, he decided to transport the big frog in a great big bucket to the other side of the world. After cutting the big frog in two, he gave one piece to the French who liked it so much their neighbors took to calling them frogs, and he gave the other piece to the Chinese who turned the great big half of frog into a big frog stew.
After eating the big frog from God, and finishing all the left overs because there were people being smitten in Africa, the people of the great lands that had been gifted with the big frog hungered for more of the "Just like chicken" taste. They searched all over for that authentic magical taste to no avail, so the settled on eating plain old run of the mill frogs. To this day frog legs are a delicacy.
So you see, for any people to eat frogs takes a real Miracle of biblical proportions.
(-; so I imagine ;-)
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Why would I want to talk about that? (WHY SHOULD I CARE?)
Every so often people get all excited about something or another. They jump up and down and create personal opinions on what ever it is that people are getting excited over.
In Shul this excitement can turn into long talking sessions during the time the Torah is being read on Shabbos, which then turns talking during the Torah reading the next thing for people to get all excited over.
On the internets this excitement comes in the form of twitters, of which I know nothing about, and blogs, of which I know something about, and fw: fwd:fw OMG have you heard the latest blond joke, of which I admittedly know a lot about(though thank heaven I never passed on that Email Transmitted disease to anyone else).
Even though I am a libertarian who believes everyone should be allowed to do what they want no matter how stupid I think their decisions happen to be, I am also an elitist. Because I definitely know that if they let me make all the decisions, nothing bad would happen to me in the processes. That being said, if I ran the world my way there would be no getting excited over something or other. Frankly, most of the time I couldn't give two hootin tootins about what the latest nonsense people are all in an uproar over. For God's sake, get over the stupid petty whining.
Yes; the economy sucks, we are all going to die imminent deaths if Obama doesn't get up there and assure us that it is ok to keep buying things we really don't want or need.
Yes; Klal Yisroel is in the worse sort of tzorres ever. If Moshiach doesn't come tomorrow all the kollel checks will never get paid.
Yes; the Shidduch crisis is horrible, The Jewish press is bound to find a solution before all the Jewish girls marry Goyim; or worse, turn into old spinsters who sit around all day and make everyone else miserable.
Yes; the good old days are so much better than today. Even if everyone died from all sorts of possibly curable diseases, at least they died for a good, scratch that, at least they didn't all intermarry.
Yes; all those child molesters are horrible people and deserve to be castrated, Outrageous. And those people that cover it all up for money, Just horrible. If only the Rabbonim had banned the internet sooner nothing like this would ever have happened. Those free AOL CDs turned all the Michanchem into perverts.
Yes; the solution the all the worlds problems is Multiculturalism; and Yes, the solution to all the worlds problems is keeping the "stupid people" out of America.
Holocaust deniers, Yes, kill them. If they don't want to believe that 6000000 died at the hands of the Nazis they should all be killed for their crime. Or at least left out of the Catholic Church. Hashem knows, keeping Holocaust denying priests out of the one true church is the most important thing on Hashem's agenda.
I could go on, but I think you get the point. (If you don't get the point you should really get your hearing checked out.) The point is, it is always about something. There is always some issue that everyone gets excited over, which in the scheme of things really don't matter to me. And lets be honest here, most of these issues really don't matter to You either. You probably have something much more important to think about, like paying your exorbitantly high tuitions for your 15th child. Though perhaps you couldn't care about that either.
People spend their whole lives complaining about how things should be different. They concern themselves with things called "issues of the day." They may read the news, the blogs, or even listen to the radio. Then they go to their friends with their newly learned knowledge and impart the important bit of information to the people that the care most deeply about. While the world is filled with all sorts of things for people to care passionately about, in the end of the day its all BS to pass the time till something that really matters to you shows up, and then people had better care.
In Shul this excitement can turn into long talking sessions during the time the Torah is being read on Shabbos, which then turns talking during the Torah reading the next thing for people to get all excited over.
On the internets this excitement comes in the form of twitters, of which I know nothing about, and blogs, of which I know something about, and fw: fwd:fw OMG have you heard the latest blond joke, of which I admittedly know a lot about(though thank heaven I never passed on that Email Transmitted disease to anyone else).
Even though I am a libertarian who believes everyone should be allowed to do what they want no matter how stupid I think their decisions happen to be, I am also an elitist. Because I definitely know that if they let me make all the decisions, nothing bad would happen to me in the processes. That being said, if I ran the world my way there would be no getting excited over something or other. Frankly, most of the time I couldn't give two hootin tootins about what the latest nonsense people are all in an uproar over. For God's sake, get over the stupid petty whining.
Yes; the economy sucks, we are all going to die imminent deaths if Obama doesn't get up there and assure us that it is ok to keep buying things we really don't want or need.
Yes; Klal Yisroel is in the worse sort of tzorres ever. If Moshiach doesn't come tomorrow all the kollel checks will never get paid.
Yes; the Shidduch crisis is horrible, The Jewish press is bound to find a solution before all the Jewish girls marry Goyim; or worse, turn into old spinsters who sit around all day and make everyone else miserable.
Yes; the good old days are so much better than today. Even if everyone died from all sorts of possibly curable diseases, at least they died for a good, scratch that, at least they didn't all intermarry.
Yes; all those child molesters are horrible people and deserve to be castrated, Outrageous. And those people that cover it all up for money, Just horrible. If only the Rabbonim had banned the internet sooner nothing like this would ever have happened. Those free AOL CDs turned all the Michanchem into perverts.
Yes; the solution the all the worlds problems is Multiculturalism; and Yes, the solution to all the worlds problems is keeping the "stupid people" out of America.
Holocaust deniers, Yes, kill them. If they don't want to believe that 6000000 died at the hands of the Nazis they should all be killed for their crime. Or at least left out of the Catholic Church. Hashem knows, keeping Holocaust denying priests out of the one true church is the most important thing on Hashem's agenda.
I could go on, but I think you get the point. (If you don't get the point you should really get your hearing checked out.) The point is, it is always about something. There is always some issue that everyone gets excited over, which in the scheme of things really don't matter to me. And lets be honest here, most of these issues really don't matter to You either. You probably have something much more important to think about, like paying your exorbitantly high tuitions for your 15th child. Though perhaps you couldn't care about that either.
People spend their whole lives complaining about how things should be different. They concern themselves with things called "issues of the day." They may read the news, the blogs, or even listen to the radio. Then they go to their friends with their newly learned knowledge and impart the important bit of information to the people that the care most deeply about. While the world is filled with all sorts of things for people to care passionately about, in the end of the day its all BS to pass the time till something that really matters to you shows up, and then people had better care.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
All Jews are responsible for one another
Have you ever noticed that the more frum a person is the more he is involved in getting into other people's business? It's like the more you care about what Hashem wants of you the more you want everyone else to care too. It's not good enough that you eat two pieces of potato kugal at the Kiddish, everyone else has to eat just as many. After all, it's a mitzvah; and we all know that every Jew has to grab as many matzoh balls as they possibly can.
The people who are not so frum, these are the people that have that live and let live attitude. They practiacally arnt going to The Great Garden Up in Heaven, so they don't really care if anyone comes along for the ride. If you want to put on Teffilin, and your a woman, thats fine; if your a man, that's fine too. Too busy smoking hooka to really care if your kid gets to davening in the morning, you are sure as hell not waking him up for shachris, you are sleeping real late too.
Then you get the frummer people, they do Daf Yomi. They think everyone should be doing a Daf a Day, like an addict that wants everyone else to join his high. "It's great Man, were going to finish shas and go to Madison Square Garden. The Kol Ram will be amazingly powerful, and Moshiach will show up on a police horse." He can't believe others are not convinced of the benefits of getting up before the crack of dawn and sleeping a half hour on a book, just to get to be with the rest of the male shvitzing Klal Yisroel in a place where lots of Basketball is usually played.
As you get more enlightened, you get angry that the world isn't as enlightened as you. "How can so many people not keep all the mitzvahs like The Abishta intended in the Mishna Brura? Don't they realise they will all be going to Gehenim, Or worse? It's a shanda that people don't care about the proper procedure for wiping their tuchus! And can you believe the way the women are dressing, I should go throw acid on one right away before they go off the derech." These super frummies will not rest until all of klal yisroel drinks only cholov yisroel, no matter what Hetter out of town people have from R. Moshe. "They are from out of town, they should get their own cow, for Hashem's sake. Just because they are not from Mayeh Sharim doesn't mean they have to act like a bunch of shgutzim. You don't know what they put in milk these days, heyligeh people only drink milk with at least 5 hechsherim on it. That way if one of the mashgichim is an appikores at least the other 4 will protect the milk from his evil spell."
It all boils down to how much fear a person has of Hashem, or Yiras Shamayim. The more paranoid you are that God is watching you as you go to the bathroom, the more vigilant you want others to be when they enter the other stall. With God watching the other Guy he might not pay that much attention to you as you wipe with the same hand you put your teffilin on with.
The people who are not so frum, these are the people that have that live and let live attitude. They practiacally arnt going to The Great Garden Up in Heaven, so they don't really care if anyone comes along for the ride. If you want to put on Teffilin, and your a woman, thats fine; if your a man, that's fine too. Too busy smoking hooka to really care if your kid gets to davening in the morning, you are sure as hell not waking him up for shachris, you are sleeping real late too.
Then you get the frummer people, they do Daf Yomi. They think everyone should be doing a Daf a Day, like an addict that wants everyone else to join his high. "It's great Man, were going to finish shas and go to Madison Square Garden. The Kol Ram will be amazingly powerful, and Moshiach will show up on a police horse." He can't believe others are not convinced of the benefits of getting up before the crack of dawn and sleeping a half hour on a book, just to get to be with the rest of the male shvitzing Klal Yisroel in a place where lots of Basketball is usually played.
As you get more enlightened, you get angry that the world isn't as enlightened as you. "How can so many people not keep all the mitzvahs like The Abishta intended in the Mishna Brura? Don't they realise they will all be going to Gehenim, Or worse? It's a shanda that people don't care about the proper procedure for wiping their tuchus! And can you believe the way the women are dressing, I should go throw acid on one right away before they go off the derech." These super frummies will not rest until all of klal yisroel drinks only cholov yisroel, no matter what Hetter out of town people have from R. Moshe. "They are from out of town, they should get their own cow, for Hashem's sake. Just because they are not from Mayeh Sharim doesn't mean they have to act like a bunch of shgutzim. You don't know what they put in milk these days, heyligeh people only drink milk with at least 5 hechsherim on it. That way if one of the mashgichim is an appikores at least the other 4 will protect the milk from his evil spell."
It all boils down to how much fear a person has of Hashem, or Yiras Shamayim. The more paranoid you are that God is watching you as you go to the bathroom, the more vigilant you want others to be when they enter the other stall. With God watching the other Guy he might not pay that much attention to you as you wipe with the same hand you put your teffilin on with.
What are you Politically?
| I am a Social Liberal (75% permissive) and an... Economic Conservative (80% permissive) I am best described as a:
Link: The Politics Test |
What are You Politically? Take the test and find out, and while your at it, put it in the comments. (But not if you don't want to.)
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
The Job interview with a bad attitude
Eye contact.
A firm handshake. (Or, "sorry woman. I really would love to shake your hand. It looks so good and all. But, I'm Shomer.)
Conversation:
HR Person: Good Morning, how was your trip? The weather looks horrible out.
Potential Employee: I know, It really looks muggy. I came all this way just to interview for this position, and now it looks like I'm going to have to leave.
HRP: Why? Why would you have to leave so soon? We didn't even get started with the interview.
No Longer Potential Employee: This place doesn't seem like it will be the right place for me. I can't see myself working here for the next five years. I have very high standards, and at right from the start you just don't seem right to me.
HR Person, Taken aback: Well, if that's the way you feel about it, I bid you good day!
NL-PE looking for a hand out: Wait one second, I came all this way just to see if this job would be the right fit for me, and you aren't at least going to offer to remburse me for my train ride. That was two dollars I spent, and now I'm going to have to spend another two just to get back home. It's bad enough I had to get here in the bad weather.
Angery HRP: Listen; You ungrateful little tapeworm, when we spoke on the phone I expressed an interest interviewing with you because from the look of your resume and your phone manner you seemed like the right person for the job. As it is now, I don't know what I was thinking. GET Out.
Still Unemployed: Well if that's what you want, then I will get out. Good BYE.
A firm handshake. (Or, "sorry woman. I really would love to shake your hand. It looks so good and all. But, I'm Shomer.)
Conversation:
HR Person: Good Morning, how was your trip? The weather looks horrible out.
Potential Employee: I know, It really looks muggy. I came all this way just to interview for this position, and now it looks like I'm going to have to leave.
HRP: Why? Why would you have to leave so soon? We didn't even get started with the interview.
No Longer Potential Employee: This place doesn't seem like it will be the right place for me. I can't see myself working here for the next five years. I have very high standards, and at right from the start you just don't seem right to me.
HR Person, Taken aback: Well, if that's the way you feel about it, I bid you good day!
NL-PE looking for a hand out: Wait one second, I came all this way just to see if this job would be the right fit for me, and you aren't at least going to offer to remburse me for my train ride. That was two dollars I spent, and now I'm going to have to spend another two just to get back home. It's bad enough I had to get here in the bad weather.
Angery HRP: Listen; You ungrateful little tapeworm, when we spoke on the phone I expressed an interest interviewing with you because from the look of your resume and your phone manner you seemed like the right person for the job. As it is now, I don't know what I was thinking. GET Out.
Still Unemployed: Well if that's what you want, then I will get out. Good BYE.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Government or Private: You can't have it both ways
Many people are in an uproar about the fact that AIG is giving bonuses to their employees in spite of the fact that the company is taking government bailout money. They feel that it is an outrage that a company that performed so poorly, so much so that the government is now forced to help them out, is paying bonus money to the people that helped create the poor situation that the company currently finds itself. President Obama is even looking for any way he can to prevent the bonuses from taking place. He is looking at legal action, limiting possible bailout money, as well as shaming the employees into not accepting the bonuses.
It is my opinion that the outrage that many have toward AIG for giving these bonuses is misplaced. Granted, a company that is owned by the government should not be paying bonuses to employees that were not successful at there jobs. However, AIG is not owned by the government. It is still a private institution, no matter how much bailout money the company decided to accept. So long as the company remains a private institution, and not nationalized by the Federal Government, it has the right to spend its money in whatever way it likes, including giving retention bonuses to it's employees.
When the government decided to bailout a private cooperation it did so with one goal in mind, preventing the collapse of the economy at large. The goal was not efficient spending. In fact, I am sure that the bailout money could have been spend in a much more efficient fashion, as apposed to giving it to a failing institution to prop up already bad investments. The goal was to save the financial markets through these bailouts. The goal was to save an industry that has proven to be inefficient through its bad investments. To now claim outrage at how AIG decides to spend some of that money is a farce at best. The Government knew it was bailing out an company that is being run inefficiently. The situation is analogous to a person going into business with a crook and wondering later why his bank account seems a little light.
You can't have it both ways. Either AIG is a private company, or it is a government run company. If it is a private company, management should be changed by the shareholders. As much as the bailout money buys a stake in the company is as much say as the government has in how the money is spent. So long as the private interests of the company allow for bonuses, the bonuses will be given. If it is a government run company, well then it seems like the whole outrage bit is a bunch of posturing. Bailing out a sinking ship with one hand, and putting the water back with the other.
The obvious answer is that AIG is still a private company. And while the government has a right to be angery that the money they gave AIG is not being spent in ways that are in line with it's policies, by not nationalizing the company it left it's only recourse in the hands of the legal system, a system that allows a private company to adhere to it's contractual agreements to it's employees, including those agreements that the government and the people might not idiologically agree with. If it matters so much to the goverment that these employees not get their undeserving bonuses, the government should not give the company the money to do so.
It is my opinion that the outrage that many have toward AIG for giving these bonuses is misplaced. Granted, a company that is owned by the government should not be paying bonuses to employees that were not successful at there jobs. However, AIG is not owned by the government. It is still a private institution, no matter how much bailout money the company decided to accept. So long as the company remains a private institution, and not nationalized by the Federal Government, it has the right to spend its money in whatever way it likes, including giving retention bonuses to it's employees.
When the government decided to bailout a private cooperation it did so with one goal in mind, preventing the collapse of the economy at large. The goal was not efficient spending. In fact, I am sure that the bailout money could have been spend in a much more efficient fashion, as apposed to giving it to a failing institution to prop up already bad investments. The goal was to save the financial markets through these bailouts. The goal was to save an industry that has proven to be inefficient through its bad investments. To now claim outrage at how AIG decides to spend some of that money is a farce at best. The Government knew it was bailing out an company that is being run inefficiently. The situation is analogous to a person going into business with a crook and wondering later why his bank account seems a little light.
You can't have it both ways. Either AIG is a private company, or it is a government run company. If it is a private company, management should be changed by the shareholders. As much as the bailout money buys a stake in the company is as much say as the government has in how the money is spent. So long as the private interests of the company allow for bonuses, the bonuses will be given. If it is a government run company, well then it seems like the whole outrage bit is a bunch of posturing. Bailing out a sinking ship with one hand, and putting the water back with the other.
The obvious answer is that AIG is still a private company. And while the government has a right to be angery that the money they gave AIG is not being spent in ways that are in line with it's policies, by not nationalizing the company it left it's only recourse in the hands of the legal system, a system that allows a private company to adhere to it's contractual agreements to it's employees, including those agreements that the government and the people might not idiologically agree with. If it matters so much to the goverment that these employees not get their undeserving bonuses, the government should not give the company the money to do so.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Punishment to fit the crime
A few years ago, about 5 months after getting my license to drive, I was driving up to the Catskills for a weekend retreat with my Yeshiva. This was the first time I had ever had any significant highway driving experience, and I was flying high. Who knew that the left hand lane of the Palisades was supposed to be for passing only? Who cared? I was driving on the highway, friends filling up the other seats, without a care in the world. And 20 miles above the 50 mile speed limit.
All the sudden the flashing lights and sirens could be heard by everyone in the car. "You don't think that they're after me, do you?" I asked the rest of the people in the car.
One of the more sarcastic passengers replied, "of course not, you weren't speeding."
A few moments later I had pulled over and become the proud recipient of my first traffic ticket. I wasn't very ecstatic. What a way to start off a great weekend.
When I got home from the trip I showed the ticket to everybody I knew, including my parents. "What should I do about this," I asked anyone who would listen.
The responses ranged from, "Throw out the ticket and hope it goes away" to "Pay, pay, and pay some more. Better be safe than sorry."
When I asked my parents what I should do, their response was very matter of fact, "Were you speeding?" I had to answer, "Yes." They both gave me a stern expression, and my father said,"so pay the ticket." Sort of like the saying, "You do the crime, you gotta pay the fine." Since it rhymes it has to be true.
I listened to my parent's wonderful advice. After paying the $90 ticket, getting 6 points, a suspended licenses for getting 6 points within my new driver probation period, paying a $300 fine for getting a suspended license within my probation period, and waiting another 6 months for the next probation period to end, I was finally back on the road driving my parents wonderful station wagon.
Punishment fit the crime?
I don't know.
This past weekend the family was having a wonderful Shabbos meal. The food was great, and everything was right with the world. Then the conversation turned to the newly convicted Bernie Madoff. Like everyone else, my father wondered why Madoff would just plead guilty to the crime when he had such wonderfully highpriced lawyers.
My responce, "Maybe he took the advice of someone who said, you do the crime you do the time."
The Shabbos meal wasn't the same after that.
All the sudden the flashing lights and sirens could be heard by everyone in the car. "You don't think that they're after me, do you?" I asked the rest of the people in the car.
One of the more sarcastic passengers replied, "of course not, you weren't speeding."
A few moments later I had pulled over and become the proud recipient of my first traffic ticket. I wasn't very ecstatic. What a way to start off a great weekend.
When I got home from the trip I showed the ticket to everybody I knew, including my parents. "What should I do about this," I asked anyone who would listen.
The responses ranged from, "Throw out the ticket and hope it goes away" to "Pay, pay, and pay some more. Better be safe than sorry."
When I asked my parents what I should do, their response was very matter of fact, "Were you speeding?" I had to answer, "Yes." They both gave me a stern expression, and my father said,"so pay the ticket." Sort of like the saying, "You do the crime, you gotta pay the fine." Since it rhymes it has to be true.
I listened to my parent's wonderful advice. After paying the $90 ticket, getting 6 points, a suspended licenses for getting 6 points within my new driver probation period, paying a $300 fine for getting a suspended license within my probation period, and waiting another 6 months for the next probation period to end, I was finally back on the road driving my parents wonderful station wagon.
Punishment fit the crime?
I don't know.
This past weekend the family was having a wonderful Shabbos meal. The food was great, and everything was right with the world. Then the conversation turned to the newly convicted Bernie Madoff. Like everyone else, my father wondered why Madoff would just plead guilty to the crime when he had such wonderfully highpriced lawyers.
My responce, "Maybe he took the advice of someone who said, you do the crime you do the time."
The Shabbos meal wasn't the same after that.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
What's next?
Life is about looking forward. I'm ok making such a bold statement because it is vague enough that it can be interpreted in any way you like. The only way you can look backward is with the effort of turning your head, otherwise your eyes are stuck in your head in the same place they have always been. It is even harder to do anything else but look forward if your head is stuck in a neck brace.
At this point (once you have watched the clip) I think we can all agree that life is about looking forward. Because looking backward is just a pain.
So now that we are looking forward, what is it exactly we looking forward to?
Perhaps some more funny video clips?
At this point (once you have watched the clip) I think we can all agree that life is about looking forward. Because looking backward is just a pain.
So now that we are looking forward, what is it exactly we looking forward to?
Perhaps some more funny video clips?
Modern Orthodox- Purim Buzz Kills?
Why is it that the only people that are out there preaching against drinking on Purim are the Modern Orthodox? Everyone else recognizes that Purim is a time to drink and let loose a little.
In Shul this past Purim there was this modern orthodox fellow that insisted on giving out pamphlets to anyone under 21 about how they shouldn't really be drinking, and that the miztva of not knowing the difference between Haman and Mordechai can be adequately done by taking a nap.
WTH.
Yes, people can get hurt from drinking.
Yes, excessive drinking over long periods of time can kill your liver.
Yes, Yes, Yes.
But give me a break already. All good things can possibly lead to bad consequences. Drunkenness can lead to headaches, stomach aches, and all sorts of other aches in between. But while you are drunk you are on the top of the world.The rest of the year there is probably a point in not drinking to excess. The costs of loss out weigh the benefits gained, religiously and otherwise. On Purim though, the Rabbonim gave a special dispensation for people to get plastered. They said, Drink! Drink so much that you don't know the difference between Cursed Haman and Blessed Mordechai. The benefits outweigh the costs. Any other interpretation is Modern Orthodox Buzz kill apologetics.
In Shul this past Purim there was this modern orthodox fellow that insisted on giving out pamphlets to anyone under 21 about how they shouldn't really be drinking, and that the miztva of not knowing the difference between Haman and Mordechai can be adequately done by taking a nap.
WTH.
Yes, people can get hurt from drinking.
Yes, excessive drinking over long periods of time can kill your liver.
Yes, Yes, Yes.
But give me a break already. All good things can possibly lead to bad consequences. Drunkenness can lead to headaches, stomach aches, and all sorts of other aches in between. But while you are drunk you are on the top of the world.The rest of the year there is probably a point in not drinking to excess. The costs of loss out weigh the benefits gained, religiously and otherwise. On Purim though, the Rabbonim gave a special dispensation for people to get plastered. They said, Drink! Drink so much that you don't know the difference between Cursed Haman and Blessed Mordechai. The benefits outweigh the costs. Any other interpretation is Modern Orthodox Buzz kill apologetics.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Drunken Purim Post
Ah Purim. What a Yom Tov! Many people discount the value of drinking when it comes to Purim. They talk as if drinking is some sort of sin that God condemns with the worst of punishments. Chas Vishalom anyone under the legal age of drinking should be drinking alcoholic beverages. Well, I can personally say at the time of this writing that I have consumed a variety of alcoholic beverages in the past few hours. And God knows I am seriously feeling Gevaldeg, awesome.
Yesterday in the middle of the night, a bunch of yeshiva buchorim came up to my house and I promply sent them away with a wonderful send off, “Ich Hub Nisht.” God only knows I have no money to give the wonderful people, I have no job. And I was watching 24. What’s more important, Jack Bauer or a bunch of drunken Yeshiva buchorim asking for money?
It really surprises me how much alcohol I can consume and still write coherent sentences. I just drank 2 cups of beer, a shot of whiskey, a bit of vodka orange juice, and around 6 cups of wine. I know that I will probably wake up with a big headache and not remember having written any of this wonderful diatribe. But at this point my fingers can still move across the keyboard.
This is the first Purim I feel good in the knowledge that I am not really thinking about anything. I listen to music, and really feel in touch with Hashem. God knows, in goes the wine and out comes the truth, And what Truth there is….
The drinks have hit my head. There is no difference between Haman aN Moderdechai. In fact, I don’t there was a difference between anybody.
You know what’s funny about Purim?
On one day of the year we are expected to give up differenciating between good and evil, Haman and Mordecahai. And the only way that can possibly happen it with lots and lots of wine. So drink up!
Monday, March 9, 2009
Purim: Haman's story
Having just listened to the Meggila and having drunk two big cups of wine, I am now in the Purim spirit. I can already hear the amateur musician playing bad music over and over in my head. I can feel the alcohol seeping into my heart and a nice worm fuzzy feeling seeping into my stomach. Boy am I glad it’s Purim.
Everyone knows that Haman was a bad dude. He tried to do mass genocide to all us wonderful Jews just to get some extra income into his 401k account. What we don’t know is why he had to act the way he did? What was the crazy Haman thinking? Recently an ancient manuscript was discovered that may shed some light on the mental state of Haman at the time. This manuscript was restored and translated by the great people at Yeshivas Purim Torah.
(3rd cup of wine and a plate of some sort of food just consumed)
[Brother reading Meggila for mother just reads the word Haman, Boooooooooooooo.]
Ok, on to the important document.
Hey dudes, It’s your buddy Haman here. I’m sitting in the king’s dungeons as rats gnaw at my toes. I just finished begging for my life and ended up in the lap of the queen. Life isn’t looking up for me at this point. After dragging my enemy around the city in the king’s finery; I am now about to be executed. Talk about foreshadowing, eh. I should have known something like this would happen.
Anywho, people in the future might get a bad picture of me. But really I’m not such a bad guy. In fact, I don’t see the difference between me and that guy Mordechai I gave a tour of the city to the other day. I mean come on, I know you’re going to spit every time you hear my name, but for a moment hear me out.
I had a hard time growing up. I was one of 25 kids, and got no attention from my parents. All my pop would do was come home drunk and beat on my mama all day. It’s no wonder I ended up gravitating to drunken people who are demanding on their women. I was practically raised to look up to powerful drunks. Look at me now, I’m even getting killed by a drunken fellow. First the fellow, the king no less, killed his wife in a drunken stupor, and now he is killing me because of his new wife.
Where was I? O ya, my hard life. So my father would get home and start rambling on and on about how the Jews were the cause of all the world’s problems. First they killed our whole tribe some feud, then they have the nerve to take all the good jobs in the kingdom. They even eat this food called gefilta fish. Every day I would hear this stuff over and over again. The funny part is that I never met a Jew my whole life till joining the Army a few years later.
When I got to the army I met a lot of nice Jewish fellows, they were always kind to me and I couldn’t reconcile the picture my father had painted for me as a kid and the nice people I saw in the barracks. That all changed when I met Mordechai. I’m telling you; on first sight I just hated that fellow. It must have been something about his face, maybe it was his nose. I don’t know what it was, but whatever it was every time I saw that fellow I just wanted to kill him. Then I remembered what my father told me at a young age, you have got to hate those Jews. And it all fit into place.
I started moving up in the army and I built a cadre of loyal friends around me. We each had one thing in common; we all hated that guy Mordechai’s guts. Amazingly Mordechai too began moving up in the ranks of the army. I just couldn’t stand it. Eventually we each went our separate ways, I ran A company and he moved to Q company. We really didn’t bump into each other for a long time.
Then one year on the campaign trail everything changed. My company’s food had been used up, and through no fault of my own, all our boots had been chewed up by mutant rats. The supply depot was miles and miles away, and I had no one to turn to. Then who should show up, Mordechai. I was furious, but I hid it well. I asked him for some food and some boots for my men. He was most graceful; he would give me the food, for a price. I agreed; whatever. I mean what would you do if you were starving without any food, or shoes to walk? So I signed his boot and agreed to be his servant for life.
What that guy Mordechai didn’t realize was that writing a contract on the bottom of a shoe was a sure way of making the contract not last very long. Walk for a while and anything on the bottom of a shoe gets rubbed off pretty quickly. So I got my food and what I thought was the last laugh.
Years passed and both I and Mordechai were now out of the army and in the service of the new king Achashvayrosh. Boy was that King crazy, I tell him in jest to kill his wife for not coming to the party buck naked. He goes ahead and listened to me, and has his wife killed. Not only that, he makes me his most favorite adviser. I knew I was in a hard position. I was dealing with a crazy king, and I had to tred carefully. But to hell with it, I felt like I was on the top of the world. As I was running home to tell my wife about my great promotion, I see Mordechai on the steps reading a book without a care in the world. “Damn Mordachai, don’t you do anything but read all day? I just got promoted to big cheese, ain’t that the coolest?” And in those eyes he looks up at me and with a most indifferent expression he tells me, “So?” By this time I am practically livid, “So, I owe you man. Remember way back when in the army, I never got a chance to repay you. As Big Cheese I have a big chance of making things happen for you.” Moredechai just keeps staring at me, and then he lifts his boot and says, “you are my slave, everything you do belongs to me, it’s embarrassing that a slave should be so close to the king.” I look back at him, “fine, have it your way. But know this; I am not your slave. In fact tomorrow you will bow to me.”
When I finally got home I was not in the same good mood as I was when I left the king. I was plain angry. I told my wife all that had transpired, and I asked her for advice. “Why don’t you kill him? You have the power. Just kill him. And while you’re at it, kill all his Jewish brethren,” she told me. That night I thought of about what she said and decided that it would be a great idea. It might even get me on the king’s good side, all the other big cheeses are afraid of giving any new ideas. Killing a whole population might be just the idea that gets me in the good graces of the king.
Then next day I tell the king my plan, and he loves it. “Talk about all the revenue, we can cut infrastructure spending in half, and we can now add millions of shushans to my coffers,” the king said in a loud drunken voice. I took the kings ring, got some interns to write up the legislation, and I was ready to go.
Months passed, and the time of the great purge was growing near. Soon Mordechai and all of his ilk would be dead, and I would be a very wealthy man. Little did I know, the king’s new wife was Jewish, and Mordechai’s niece. Mordechai was working behind the scenes to get my hard work reversed. I knew I had to do something, I just didn’t know what. Then things started happening too fast for me to contemplate. First the king tells me to go to a special party with him, and then he tells me to drag Mordechai around the city on the best horse. Before I know it, here I am, in the dungeon of the palace getting ready to be executed. All I can hope is that my 10 sons will avenge my death, and take care of Mordechai after I die.
(Well at least my 10 kid's get a full page ad in the Jewish story, even if it is about their deaths on my hanging tree.)
[Time for cup #4, just like passover only without the long interlude for Ma Nishtana.]
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Today Was My First Lesson In Ballet
Posted by Samuel...
Pink slippers? Check.
Male tutu? Check.
Self dignity? Check.
I was ready to go.
Most of you don't know but I am OBSESSED with ballet, especially Russian ballet St. Petersburg style. The elegance of those slippers tip-toeing across the stage to the tune of a cheap soundtrack is just...magnifico!
It all began when I bumped into my hopefully to-be instructor (unbeknownst to me at the time) on 13th Ave in Boro park. Her name was Natasha Gorshinovvvvvsky, she teaches ballet in the New York School of Arts. When she saw the way I strode down the street she approached me and said "I can see great [chhh] talent [chhh] in your stride, you move like elegant hippopotamus! Come to my school, you make mother Russia praud". Who am I to argue with some lady I met in the street? Especially when she says I am good at something!
When I told my Rav about the happenings, he shunned me! He told me that is not what a Jewish boy should be doing (he also said it was "feigilish", but I decided to leave that part out)!?!?
So here I am at my keyboard, furiously banging away at the keys! Seems like my first lesson of ballet, was more about the nature of our religious circle's view torward ballet. Why can't boys share in the magic of ballet too? Why must we be subjected to the stereotype of hunting and sports? I call for a revolt! All males who fear shame of performing the arts should stand with me!
Tutus unite!
Pink slippers? Check.
Male tutu? Check.
Self dignity? Check.
I was ready to go.
Most of you don't know but I am OBSESSED with ballet, especially Russian ballet St. Petersburg style. The elegance of those slippers tip-toeing across the stage to the tune of a cheap soundtrack is just...magnifico!
It all began when I bumped into my hopefully to-be instructor (unbeknownst to me at the time) on 13th Ave in Boro park. Her name was Natasha Gorshinovvvvvsky, she teaches ballet in the New York School of Arts. When she saw the way I strode down the street she approached me and said "I can see great [chhh] talent [chhh] in your stride, you move like elegant hippopotamus! Come to my school, you make mother Russia praud". Who am I to argue with some lady I met in the street? Especially when she says I am good at something!
When I told my Rav about the happenings, he shunned me! He told me that is not what a Jewish boy should be doing (he also said it was "feigilish", but I decided to leave that part out)!?!?
So here I am at my keyboard, furiously banging away at the keys! Seems like my first lesson of ballet, was more about the nature of our religious circle's view torward ballet. Why can't boys share in the magic of ballet too? Why must we be subjected to the stereotype of hunting and sports? I call for a revolt! All males who fear shame of performing the arts should stand with me!
Tutus unite!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Blogaversary: The true Vanity of Vanities
I'm just going to pat myself on the cyberback for sticking to this blog for so long. It is one year since I have started posting, and I still have not given up. (any day now) It has been so long, and in the scheme of things I don't think I wrote that much. I probably could have done a few posts more, maybe made them a little more entertaining. But hey, what would be the fun in that. Instead I wrote whatever crazy ideas popped into my head. I hope you all enjoyed the posts that came before, and I hope you will continue to enjoy all the posts to come.
There is a particular style that I most enjoy writing, Realer than Real. I hope you'll enjoy a look back at a few particular posts in that style.
March
Sunspots, The Economy, War, and Peace
April
Stay in Yeshiva
May
A Couple of shnoorers
June
Bai’Iss Kosher©
July
Look out Mexico: Here comes Americans
August
The Hamsa and the Car Mezuzah
September
Smoking Old Ladies
October
Child Ish Behavior for Persident 2008
November
Do you want to be a Rebbe? An interview with the Trailer Park Rebbe
December
Blogging Ethics or My mother never taught me not to pick my nose
The Art of Jewish Matchmaking
February
Great People think of the soundtrack to their own documentary
Great things don't make themselves, even God has to be eternal.
There is a particular style that I most enjoy writing, Realer than Real. I hope you'll enjoy a look back at a few particular posts in that style.
March
Sunspots, The Economy, War, and Peace
April
Stay in Yeshiva
May
A Couple of shnoorers
June
Bai’Iss Kosher©
July
Look out Mexico: Here comes Americans
August
The Hamsa and the Car Mezuzah
September
Smoking Old Ladies
October
Child Ish Behavior for Persident 2008
November
Do you want to be a Rebbe? An interview with the Trailer Park Rebbe
December
Blogging Ethics or My mother never taught me not to pick my nose
January
The Art of Jewish Matchmaking
February
Great People think of the soundtrack to their own documentary
March 2009
Great things don't make themselves, even God has to be eternal.
Enjoy
Monday, March 2, 2009
What is the point of civil liberty if monetary liberty is absent?
Great, you can’t torture me to death, but you can steal all my money through taxes.
Obama thinks he is so great with his open anti-torture policy. So instead of torturing possible enemies of the United States, he plans on stealing more money of the citizens through higher taxes.
Great Plan!
Obama thinks he is so great with his open anti-torture policy. So instead of torturing possible enemies of the United States, he plans on stealing more money of the citizens through higher taxes.
Great Plan!
The question of Good and Evil (Part 2)
Imagine for a moment a person who lived his entire life as serial killer. During the day this person lived as part of a nice community and took part in all the religious services that the community had to offer. During the night he went and killed people for the fun of going against the word of God. At the end of his life he goes to his religious leader and tells of all the horrible things that he did throughout his entire life. He has remorse for all his bad deeds, pledges to never do anything like that again, and while leaving the house of his religious leader, gets hit by a bus and dies.
Everyone wants to know; does he get Heaven or Hell? On one hand he did so many horrible actions, with the intent to anger God to boot. On the other hand he repented from his ways and died with a clear conscience. Does his repentance and contrition make up for all the harm he caused people his entire life, and thereby warrants a place in heaven? Or does the fact that he hurt so many people with his actions place him in Hell’s realm?
The answer to this question is simple.
IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER. WE WILL NEVER KNOW.
It doesn’t matter to the people still living what happens to the bad guy after he is shoveled over with dirt. All that matters is our own actions, and what we think will happen to us before and after we get shoveled over with dirt.
One thing is for certain though; if that fellow had gotten caught before he was hit by that bus, society as a whole would have punished him for his actions. As a lesson to others and as a punishment to the killer, society has deemed it worthy of either killing murderers or imprisoning them until they die of hopelessness. There are consequences for actions that harm others, and those consequences apply to everyone in society so that society will run in a orderly fashion.
Every society that exists on this planet has a set of rules that it follows for the good of the society and for the good of each individual that is part of the society. These set of rules that exist vary from society to society depending on what values the people in the society wish to promote. Individuals are born into various societies and are inculcated at birth with the values that the society they are born into wish to promote. The society places incentives for people to remain a part of the group and follow the values that the majority of the people that are part of the society wish to promote. Actions and ways of thinking that the society feels are improper are punished. Actions and ways of thinking that are in line with what society feels fit within the value system that the society wishes to promote are rewarded.
To answer the big question, what is Good and what is Evil we must go no further than to look at what societies reward and what society punish. Good is something, action or thought, that the society a person is part of rewards. Evil is something that the society a person is part of punishes. If a person wishes to remain in Good standing within the society that he is a member of he must conform some of his thoughts and actions to the ways in which the society considers Good. If a person wants to leave the society in which he is part of, or risk getting punished, all he has to do is act in ways that are not approved of by the society that he is currently a member.
In summary, Right and Wrong, Good and Evil, Yashar and Krum all depend on the society that is doing the judging. When it comes to this world, there are no absolutes.
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