Look at the world around you.
Take a nice close look at everything that is going on.
Look again.
All around you there are messages being projected for you to see. Everyone around you wants you to buy into something. Some people are more subtle about it, others are very blatant in their messaging, but everyone has something they want you to hear. This is the 21st Century world that we all live in.
Some people go about there lives and never see any of the messages. They surf the waves of social pressure from one world to another, believing very strongly in whatever it is that everyone else tells them to believe. They want to save the whales, clean the environment, fight the war, end the war, support the troops, demand some change, and drink the beer that is most heavily advertised.
Other people are contrarians.They do the opposite of whatever everyone else is doing. What the group is doing they have to be doing the opposite. They are the people that still stand by their bigotry when everyone else has embraced diversity. They are the people who insist on spelling words wrong no matter how many times their teachers show them the "right" way to spell. They are the people who think the world is crazy, but know that it is the world that thinks they are a little out there.
Then there is Me. I can't sleep. I toss and turn at night. I neither accept the accepted wisdom, nor do I reject it out of hand. I see the world for what it truly is, and it really scares me more than anything else. I see the advertising behind the advertising. I instantly get the hidden message in the movie halfway through. I get the liberal agenda. I catch the conservative thickheadedness. I sort of understand the libertarian "ideals." And I see where beer commercials want me to go when I am thirsty in need off a mind slow down. I sit on my nice new couch and I can do nothing.
(After every year the first thing a student is asked to write about is their summer experience. In order to get into any new institution a person is usually asked to reflect on their experiences at their past institution and give some insight as to why that experience will help them achieve success at this new institution. The new institution I am about to enter is "Life." Having finally filled the apartment with furniture it is now time to embark on that great journey called "The daily grind." At this point I find myself in a unique (or not so unique) position, and from this position I feel like I should be reflecting on the past to demonstrate some insight that may or may not be of some use to anyone in the future.)
I am the product of a Yeshiva education. I went to a Yeshiva elementary school in Brooklyn, a Yeshiva High School in Brooklyn, and a Part-time Bais Medrash program in Brooklyn. I am for all intense and purposes a product of wonderful Rebbeim and teachers. Yet, all of you have been reading what I have put on this website for the past almost three years might be somewhat surprised about this. How can someone who calls himself "A Yeshiva Guy" write thing so blatantly blasphemous at times? (You may not have this question, however there are many questions along the same lines that you might be asking at this point.)
The simple answer to this question is that I did not attend Touro College.
Instead of going to the 'O so holy' monument of sub-par Private education, I went to the 'O so unholy' institution of sub-par public education, Brooklyn College. And If I would to write an essay at this very moment on what I learned from my years at Yeshiva plus my years in college it could be summed up in one sentence."I learned Nothing."
Torah Umadda is Bullshit. There is no synthesis. Torah drags down the study of the world. Worldly studies drag down the study of Torah. The scientific method clashes with the 13 middos of R' Yishmael. Modern Psycology clashes with the idea of Yetzer Tov and Yetzer Ha'ra. The ideals of western democracy are like oil and vinegar when it comes to comparing them with Torah values. Art is full of pictures of naked women. Economics is the science of desire. The study of religion is where academics piss on anything having to do with the G dash D.
The fact that I have learned about "the nothing" from my combined college-yeshiva education has allowed me to peel away the nothing that is all around the world. It is only when coming face to face with inherent contradictions that a person can realize that there are contradictions to be found all around. It allows a person to see the inherent inconsistencies in people's value systems, the assumptions that are left unsaid in people's blatant lies, as well as the absurdity surrounding all of us.
I look at the various opinions of different people on various subjects and instead of seeing a giant tapestry of possible truths, I see no one having any greater claim on the truth than anyone else. Instead of seeing the wonderful world in the synthesized modern orthodox pluralism, I see the giant wonderful nothing of modern existential orthodox relativism. Instead of looking at the world in shades of gray, I see a patchwork of possible black and whites.
Looking at the world, all I can do is laugh. Everyone has opinions that all have equal merit. Everyone has theories that are equally untrue. And I sit in the darkness; disillusioned; wandering; wondering if I'll ever find my Absolute.
